Dear Abbe,
I just received a notice from my administration to implement proctoring fees for online exams, which will be revealed to students before they enroll in the course. As part of a growing trend of public universities evolving to be profit centers, of course there are proctoring fees! First, we have to endure the endless japes about exam proctorologists, and now we have to tell the students about fees before they enroll? How are we to keep them enrolled if we tell them about fees ahead of time?
Afflicted in Athens
Dear Afflicted,
We must always be subject to the kyminopristokardamoglyphos administration (pardon my Greek), but this is indeed a conundrum. Students are vital to our work. And not just as experimental subjects. Students are an important source of research funding (although we don't talk about it), since trading course credits for labor is a long-hallowed tradition. This reminds me of a profitable scheme by my grandfather, Delmer Abbe. Knowing the value of students as a source of labor for microscopy research (the less said about that, the better), and realizing that they pay tuition, he immediately thought in pecuniae veritas and decided to start his own college. Since science or engineering students might figure out what he was doing, Delmer started an art school: The Gouache School of Art, which produces “Artisanal Craftspeople Schooled in the Latest Après-modern Pretentionism.” He trained students in microscopy, and while they thought they were using high tech to produce ironic Art, they were incidentally paying Delmer tuition for the privilege of doing his research and, as a result, increased his refereed publications. Your administration is merely avoiding having to reveal what they're really up to and lawsuits for non-disclosure. You should follow my grandfather's example: disclose the proctoring fees as you must, and use the fees to buy lab supplies.
Looking for ways to increase your nondiscretionary funds? Ask Herr Abbe via johnshields59@gmail.com! For a small fee, he will be happy to help you spend the money.
