Dear Abbe,
I think the gold target on my sputter coater might be getting close to needing a replacement. How can I be sure?
Cautious in California
Dear Cautious,
Hasenpfeffer! It’s usually not that hard—once you notice that seeing the purple haze requires more mind-altering drugs (my method of choice), then it’s probably time. The other alternative sounds quite sketchy (and probably illegal in Kansas) as suggested by Fred Monson in the Microscopy Listserve. It required gloves, a dark room, a viewing apparatus, and something about an “annulus.”
Dear Abbe,
You’ve probably heard about film incentives that US states are giving out to Hollywood to make movies in their areas. This recently happened here, and I was greatly surprised when a movie studio contacted me to image mites and the like in our SEM. It seems they want to create a new monster movie genre: the “Nano-Kaiju.” Have you any advice to help us cash in on this? It would make our dean happy.
Hopeful in Holyoke
Dear Hopeful,
Ja! I do indeed have advice! Overcharge for everything. Not unlike many deans of colleges, movie moguls want everything free or cheap while at the same time wanting to brag about how big their budget is. I suggest using the model of a used car salesman: quote prices four times your usual rates, and then tell them you can provide a 50% price cut if you get a prime spot in the credits. I learned this technique years ago in Italy. While dining on pasta in Milan with a certain famous maker of “spaghetti westerns,” we discussed what movies he would make next. He was taken with how monstrous microorganisms looked and was considering a series of “spaghetti kaiju” movies based on them. Alas, he was ahead of his time and couldn’t get funding, so “The Good, the Bad, and the Bugly” was never made.
If you need advice before making your big pitch to a Hollywood mogul, trust your microscopy adviser (especially about movie titles). You can reach Dr. Abbe’s advice office through his faithful assistant at jpshield@uga.edu.
