The current climate is frequently characterised as marked by residual postfeminist formations and proliferating new feminisms. The latter are frequently associated with celebrity exemplification and embodiment: think for instance of the socially magnanimous commodity feminism typified by figures such as Emma Watson. Complicating the picture further, we argue, is the emergence of a high-profile plutocratic feminism associated with figures ranging from Sheryl Sandberg to Beyonc to Ivanka Trump. The new (faux) feminisms of privilege disassociate themselves from notions of social justice except in the most cursory and rhetorical fashion, cleaving to neoliberal individualism and global capitalism. This intensely market-based form of feminism joins together female affective composure as a hallmark with safe performances of empowerment and displays of family capital; in so doing it works to soothe cultural tensions in regards to race, class, technology, and social power. In this chapter we offer an investigation of the nature and functions of this new style of feminism and assess its value to current hegemonies of class and capital.