8 - Conflict in family systems

Summary

This chapter uses the topic of conflict in families to show how the family is a system in which each relationship is part of the family whole. What are the origins of quarrels which are unending? Even a casual glance at current newspapers assures that such conflicts constitute a vast human problem. Scientific and scholarly reports suggest the same conclusion. There is a specific type of escalating conflict which has proved extremely difficult to understand, not only for the participants, but for researchers as well. In this type of conflict, the initial sources of conflict may be trivial. In any case, once in conflict, the disputants may forget its origins. More important, conflict often continues even when it is clear that even the winner faces ruin if fighting does not stop. What are such fights about?

This chapter builds upon the previous discussions of the origins of interminable conflict in emotion dynamics and alienation. I suggest that some of the origins may be found threates to the bond, and in emotions that are so disguised from self and others as to be almost invisible. The hypothesis proposed here derives from the work of Lewis (1971) on unacknowledged shame. In my formulation, interminable conflicts are caused by alienation and the hidden shame which accompanies it.

This chapter once again uses part/whole morphology. In the present day human sciences, there is a vast gap between qualitative and quantitative approaches. Here I explore a method that might help fill this void.